For No One's Sake But Ours

It has been a busier week than usual; one in which I longed to sit down and capture my thoughts in this small corner.

I have glanced at my laptop in passing by, but the luxury of time to write eluded me!

And although I would be tucked up in bed by now if I had a sensible bone in my body, I can't let another day to go by without putting fingers to keyboard:

I wanted to talk to Rob on Saturday...I needed to debrief the emotion that unexpectedly inflamed my heart through reading Mum's letters and my journals of late 2002. 

Throughout the day I looked at the clock many times, thinking of where he would be in his Saturday, over 3,000 miles away and in a different time zone. I know his routine by heart. At 5.00 p.m. here, I know that he will be putting on Bruce's lead and heading down the stairs of his flat, and out into the village for Bruce's nightly last walk. When he comes back, about 15 minutes later, he will take off the lead inside the front door and Bruce will gallop up the stairs ahead of him, and shake his big head at the top, his small ears flapping hard. Rob will take off his collar, talking to Bruce about getting into his (Bruce's) pajamas. Rob always says that they look very similar to his day clothes, in fact you can hardly tell them apart. :) Rob then moves Bruce's bed into the kitchen so that he can settle there and himself he takes the newspaper to bed for a read before going to sleep.

I didn't wait until 5.00, but called at 2.30 (7.30 in England,) when I knew he'd be sitting down for the evening, but before the next program on T.V. had started! It was a little later than I usually call.

His deep voice answered with a quick,"Hello," and when I said, "Hi Rob, it's me," he said, with surprise, warmth and gladness all wrapped up at once in his voice, "Oh, hello, Belinda!"

He told me that he had just sat down, with Bruce beside him on the settee, to read the paper, and I laughed and said, I could just imagine Bruce with his reading glasses on, peering at the paper. We joked that they were made extra wide to fit his Staffordshire Bull Terrier nose.

Then I told him about the pain I had uncovered as I relived those long ago months, in writing. I had wanted to ask him about his experience of that time, meaning to take notes and continue writing the story. He filled in more details that I hadn't even known, or remembered. It was good to talk about "then," and be thankful together for the later years. Later on that night, I wrote about knowing that it would not be right or respectful to write the details here.

And then we went on to other things--his boys, and his justified pride in who they are and how they are doing. I told him about the excitement of Brenda and Kevin's first house purchase together about to be completed and their pending move this summer. His voice conveyed his happiness for them.

Before we knew it, covering these and other topics, we had talked ourselves out and almost an hour had gone by. He resumed his evening's viewing and I my cleaning frenzy.

Back in August last year, in a blog post: Nobody Tells You, that we were floundering in our relationship. We are so different and Mum had been the centre of our conversation and our lives in many ways, and she bound us together. Without her, I felt unsure, uncertain of the next step in the dance of relationship. I wrote back then: "We will find our way and find one another in a new way. We love each other. We just don't quite know how to be yet; now that she's gone."

I realized on Saturday that it has happened; we have found one another for no one's sake but ours! I wonder if it was coincidence that it happened to be Mother's Day weekend when this hit me. :)

Using my Mother's Day Ticket...:)

This Mother's Day we woke up in Ontario, to a joke being played by Mother Nature! It was snowing. In May. After being over 70  degrees in Toronto last week!

Not only that, but as the snow swept down from the leaden sky, a blustery wind blew full force.

As I drove to church, I thought of the 10 K run that Brenda had signed up for. Surely she wouldn't be doing it in this weather, I thought, especially since she hadn't been running for the past three months after her training schedule was interrupted by some health issues. I couldn't imagine anyone running in the freezing cold of this morning.

But I was wrong! To my daughter, a promise is a promise. Pardon me for using the Mother's Day Ticket, to be proud.

It was the Toronto Sporting Life 10 K for children with cancer, and she managed to run 5 kilometers without stopping, and walked and ran the rest of the way. Brenda is cold at the best of times, and she said that parts of her were completely numb as she ran!

There were 27,000 runners, cheered on by crowds of onlookers holding up encouraging signs. She is the one in the second row centre with the headband. I am sure that her two girls are as proud of her as I am. Happy Mother's Day Sweetie!
Belinda/Mom :)

Can't Do It!

It seemed like a good idea to share them when I found Mum's letters, but I had forgotten the sadness of that time.

Tonight I dug out my journal for those months in 2002. My trip to England in October was both painful and healing. I was reading Philip Yancey's book, What is So Amazing About Grace? during my weeks there, and it helped set me free from anger and unforgiveness. I will be forever grateful for that.

I don't think I can write about the back story to all of that as it is so very personal and hard to expose; it doesn't feel right. Maybe I will find a way sometime in the future to put it into words in a way that will add value to whomever reads it, but at this point I think it would just be depressing and I don't want to do that to people! I would rather that  you came here and got cheered up.

But I do want to share what Mum wrote on her 76th birthday, on December 15th, 2002, because in it she wrote about my friend Susan, who you all know. Mum had met her during her own visits to Canada and she loved her. Here is what she wrote:

Hi! I've missed a few days here and there, but that's not important. I enjoyed my birthday very much! I have enjoyed all my phone calls so much. Susan's call was such a lovely surprise. She's just priceless. :) I felt so close to her and all of you and all of our lovely friends. Susan is special though and I don't mind to lend my stick to her anytime :)  (Susan had hurt her ankle while Mum was in Canada once, and Mum had loaned her, her walking stick!) I hope she won't need it though! Deborah phoned as well as Auntie Corry, Adrie, Lijda, Mies and Uncle Jan and Dicky. And of course your lovely call, and Susan's. I felt so spoilt. :) I suppose you have to feel that way on your birthday....

I am glad at least, that Mum has been shared in a way that was different from the past few years, in which she herself was unable to say much verbally, and was yet was still a joy to be with and spoke in other ways to the world.

Stay tuned for whatever comes next! :)
Belinda

The Gift of a Day

I booked this day off months ago and suddenly it was here, a day off which I had put on my calendar for today.

I had plans. There are so many things when you work full time, that just don't fit into the time left at the end of the day, or squeeze into a Saturday, what with the laundry, shopping and cleaning (like I even really do cleaning as it should be done! :)) I'm not complaining though. I wrote a while back about the routine my mum had, without the help of a dishwasher, washing machine or dryer. And I love my job. No complaints.

But gratitude? Oh yes!! For a day at home; "extra!"

In a week that has been glorious; unseasonably warm and sunny--like a sudden outbreak of summer; today, Friday, dawned gray and cool and drizzly. It didn't matter! I woke up without a deadline for getting up, but got up because I didn't want to waste a precious minute. 

Paul was away, on his way home from a conference in Ottawa, so I relished solitude and listened to the rat-at-tat-tat of the needles of rain on the skylights as I made coffee and whipped up an omelette for breakfast.

The body fed, it was time for the soul and a meeting with God. He was waiting of course; he always is. Precious minutes, aha moments as I read his Word! I loved every minute spent with him, face to face and heart to heart.

I got sidetracked then, from my plan for the day, but that too, was pleasurable. I could get sidetracked and it didn't matter. I tidied some shelves and purged some more of the things I really don't need, washed them and wrapped them in tissue, to go to Alliston's Attic the thrift store that supports the school where three of our grandchildren go.

I had a healthy tossed salad with chicken for lunch, and then I was ready to get back on track with my plans for the day; a trip to a clock store, and my doctor's office to arrange for my file to go to a doctor closer to home.

I had already turned the heat back on after feeling frozen by the air conditioning that had been needed earlier in the week. Outside today it was only 11 degrees. Air conditioning definitely not needed! I put on my raincoat and still feeling chilled, cranked up the heat in my car as I drove off, and headed to the post office to pick up our mail. 

"It feels so lovely and warm in here," I said to Diana, who was working away behind the counter, dressed in her blue Canada Post uniform. She smiled and said, "And I haven't even had the heat on!"

"Well, it is so chilly outside, and rainy too," I said, "But I don't mind at all because I have a day off and I'm enjoying every minute!"

Diana looked as though she was sharing my joy even though she was working. I do think joy is contagious! :)

I drove next, up the highway to the village of Cookstown, looking for Timepiece, the clock and watch repair store, on Queen Street. I hadn't been there before, but had looked them up on the internet and knew that I was looking for storefront painted a dusty red, with a clock hung over the door.

I spotted it quickly, found a parking spot right outside. I opened the trunk and carefully carried our beautiful 40 year old chiming wall clock up the steps and inside.

I felt that I had entered a magical place! The walls were covered with clocks of every type and every size, all unique, some quirky, all of them beautiful! The counters had display cases that held antique watches, rings and other treasures. Behind the counter a man stood talking to a man in front of the counter, but stopped to invite me in a European accent that I couldn't pin down, to, "Show me your baby;" the clock in my arms.

I explained what was needed, while the other man said he'd see him later and left. While he was getting the details from me, another, older, eccentric looking man came in, obviously a friend, because he plunged right into conversation with a strong British accent, about a great "find" of some sort.

Meanwhile I was entranced by the clocks all around me and said, "I am so sorry I didn't bring my camera. Would you mind if I come back and take some photos?"

As if that was a request perfectly understood, he said, "Oh, no, that would be fine."

I drove away thinking that I should never leave my camera at home!

As I drove away through the quaint and pretty village, and headed for Aurora and my doctor's office, I turned my car radio to Classical 96.3 fm. I usually listen to CBC, but wasn't interested in the topic under discussion. 

The piece of music playing on 96.3 was a notturno Opus 12 by Joseph Joachim (1831-1907.) The voice of the violin plucked the strings of my heart, pulling it almost out of my chest, it was so achingly beautiful. I think it was played by Daniel Hope. I have looked for the piece on You Tube but can't find it. Find it, listen, and be prepared to have your heart almost explode with ecstasy.

As a second best, I did find a clip of him playing a piece from his new CD "Spheres," entitled "I giorni" by Einaud. As I sign off for today, I leave it for you to enjoy!
Belinda

Just a Few Lines to Say

Just a few lines to say that I read further in Mum's letters tonight and am trying to decide how to share them. 

Since Dad died in late January of 2003, the months that I have to share are his last days, and they were difficult ones, even though Mum continued to write about the everyday things and mentioned only hints at the background against which they unfolded.

I noticed that she suddenly began to simply start her writing with the day of the week as a heading and no date. I dated them with the help of an online calendar, but it is indicative of the stress that she was under without writing about it.

How I wish I could go back to those months and be with her in them, but I can't, and couldn't then, but in her late seventies, and in frail health herself, she carried a heavy load.

I will continue if I can think of how to do this well, in a way that honours them both. Maybe I will share snippets of the journey--we'll see!

Thank you for caring to read here.
Belinda

Letters from Mum (In Which Audrey Finds Out the Truth!)

19th November 2002

My dearest Belinda and Paul and all our lovely family!
Well, the first letter is on the way! I went to the dentist yesterday and he made an impression of my bottom teeth. Well, my gums really. It's more difficult as I have hardly any ridge there. He made a good job of my last set. I have to go back next Monday. Then this morning I had my hair washed and set.

I just had another look at the photos, as Rob brought them back home. They are so lovely! Rob left them with Joan (from Charlie) to look at, as she's on the photos as well. He had to look at her pilot light on the way home.

Timmy was here yesterday and had some dinner here. It's always so lovely to see him. He brought a packet with 4 scones, one each! I said, I do have to watch my waistline though, out of a joke. So he looked at me and said, "Omie you are just right!" :) Not fat, in other words. What a compliment! They say children speak the truth. :) 

We had such a laugh when watching Emmerdale tonight. That silly Viv, who runs the Post Office and tea room, was going to clean her wheelie bin out (they're large dustbins on wheels.) Anyway, she bent over, lost her balance and disappeared in it head first, and the lid closed. Of course she couldn't get out upside down. When they eventually found her, they had to tip her out. I thought it was so funny. All a part of the story of course.

Well, now about Audrey. That Richard is trying so hard to brainwash Gail into believing her mother is demented. And she was told to stay inside and not to go out on her own anymore. She feels so frightened and then she overhears Richard suggesting to Gail to get the power of attorney of her estate as she isn't in a fit state anymore. 

Well, that did it, and she knows now, he's after her money. And bit by bit she begins to understand what has been going on. When Gail is buy in the kitchen with that lout, she creeps out of the house to Archie, her friend. It takes a long time to convince him what's been going on. But eventually he can see, Audrey is as sane as anybody. And he can see how clever that Richard has been. He (Richard) tries to go after her and tries to convince Archie that she isn't well. Well, Archie has made his mind up already who is insane, (and it's) not Audrey. He persuades Richard to let Audrey stay with him. As he's speaking (Archie,) Richard tries to get inside. Audrey screams the place down and Archie very calmly forces Richard out of the house. Well, they do talk a lot, Audrey and Archie, and they've decided to contact the police tomorrow, as it's clear to Archie that Richard is a bad one. His wife is still missing and we know he killed her and is under the concrete of the new houses he's been trying to sell.

Oh dear, you must think, where is Mum's news? :) Well, not a lot has happened. Dad had a bath this afternoon and I'll have mine tomorrow morning. Then I'll be washing most of the day. Dad will get his paper and a loaf.

It was rather cold today. But there again it is November, so we should expect it to be cooler. :) It's warm inside though. 

Sammy had a dispute with next door's cats and his poor ear was a bit damaged. It became infected. It's getting better since Robert took charge. He trusts Dr. Robert. :) I'm glad he did, as I'm rather nervous to deal with this.

He was here this morning to take out the garbage bags. He always does this since Dad's operation, and (he was) not able to do it for a while. I did it one week, but Robert told me never to do it again. :) I obeyed of course, as it was a struggle. I up at 7 o'clock to unlock the door, as I put the bolt on at night now. Dad started to worry about it so now we're bolted up every night. :) If Rob needs to come in any time, we've agreed he'll call me, no matter what time, as I do have a phone upstairs. I'm very glad with that as I don't need to rush downstairs when the phone rings. 

I love you, until tomorrow! xxx

Letters from Mum (In Which Robert Must Get a Proper Phone.)

17th November 2002

Hi! Well, we did have a talk earlier on and it was lovely to hear your voice again. I hope you had a good time at church and at home the rest of the day. It has gone a lot cooler tonight. I went up and put my blanket on number 3, as number 2 is more for normal weather. :) Dad's gone to bed. 

Robert was so very happy after he'd spoken to you! He should have a proper phone and I will tell him, it's time to have his own phone! He can still use his mobile, but it's nice to be able to talk to him on a normal phone. It's so much cheaper too! The mobile is lovely too, as I can reach him where ever he is. But when he's home, it's nice to call him there. And it would be nice for John and Timmy too. I just wish I could give them both that 100% comfort and security they both need! I love to see them both and we do everything possible to give them that! I keep praying, as that's the only way, I feel. Darlings, it's not much news today, but I'll continue tomorrow. Darlings we love you all so very much, take care and God bless you all always! With all our love to you all from your Dad/Grandad and your Omie/your Mum xxxxx

P.S. I'll keep you up to date with Audrey! She's beginning to find out the truth! :) 

(This was Audrey from Coronation Street of course! :))